


Salt Seas

by E350tb



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Pirate, Deliberate Historical Anachronisms, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, M/M, Pirates, Royal Marines, The Royal Navy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-09-17 04:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16967436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E350tb/pseuds/E350tb
Summary: Captain Pearl RN is a respected naval officer. Captain Lapis Lazuli is a legendary pirate.Collision is inevitable.





	1. Chapter the First; In Which Our Dashing Captains Engage In Exciting Naval Action

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to do a pirate AU for ages, and now that I'm off uni for a few months, it seems like a good time to do it! I'm not sure how often this'll update, as I'm still working on Marooned Together, Ruby Stars (an update is coming i swear) and Woomera, but it'll be good as a sort of less-serious 'cool down' story, I think.
> 
> With thanks to [realfakedoors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors) for proofreading and [CoreyWW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) for coming up with like half of this story's plot points. XD

**Chapter the First**  
In Which Our Dashing Captains Engage In Exciting Naval Action  


_The Caribbean, 17-something-something_

It was a tiny island - a speck on the map at best, littered with small hills, palm trees and a few rocky outcroppings. It sat in the middle of an endless sapphire sea under an endless sapphire sky, so quiet and out of the way that none of the great empires had even bothered to claim it.

It was a perfect place for a pirate to claim loot. Incidentally, it was also a perfect place for a naval officer to set a trap on said pirate.

Less than a mile off the coast, the British frigate HMS _Rose_ sat at anchor, her flag flapping gently in the breeze. Her hull, newly repainted with a fresh coat of yellow and black, bristled with the total sum of thirty six guns, half of which now poked through the opened gunports towards land. On the deck, the crew prepared for action - sailors pulled ropes, prepared the guns and cleared the wooden deck of any debris; red-coated marines prepared their muskets, a few taking their places up in the high masts. Officers shouted orders, whistles were sounded - the ship was to be as ready as possible for the coming action.

Up on the quarterdeck, the captain gazed through her spyglass towards an inlet sheltered by rocks. If she were a pirate - perish the thought - this would be where she would hide.

“Captain Pearl!”

Pearl turned as her trusted second-in-command, Lieutenant Peridot, stepped up onto the deck, clad in a plain but smart full-skirted blue coat with gold lacing. It wasn’t as fancy as Pearl’s, of course - it lacked the white facings on the cuffs and under the buttons - but it looked the part.

“The crew are ready, ma’am,” declared Peridot.

“Excellent,” nodded Pearl, “We’ll show these buccaneers what a British crew is capable of…”

Peridot stared blankly.

“...I thought we were hunting pirates, ma’am?” she asked.

“Buccaneers _are_ pirates, Ms. Peridot,” replied Pearl.

“Really? Why are they called two things?” quizzed Peridot.

Pearl pointedly ignored her.

Down on the main deck, two marines stood by one of the guns, looking out at the island.

“So they bury treasure out there?” asked Private Jeff.

“No, they just stash it in caves,” shrugged Private Peedee Fryman, “Until they can take it over to Tortuga or Port Royal or something.”

“Right, cool,” nodded Jeff, “I mean, I guess that makes sense.”

“Yeah, I mean, why would you bury it?” demanded Peedee, “It’s _gold!_ You wanna _spend it._ ”

“I heard most pirates just steal cotton or spices or stuff,” mused Jeff.

Peedee shrugged.

“It’s a kind of gold.”

Back on the quarterdeck, Lieutenant Peridot had taken position with Lieutenant Sapphire on the starboard side of the ship, facing land. Peridot was gazing through her spyglass, a smug grin on her face.

“Oh yeah,” she sneered, “We’re gonna see their main mast over the rockets _any minute now._ Then we’ll show those bucketeers.”

“They’re… never mind,” sighed Sapphire.

“You don’t sound very confident, Ms. Sapphire,” said Peridot, “Surely you don’t think some pirate tub has a chance against one of King George’s finest ships!”

“I can’t help but feel a strange sense of foreboding on the wind,” replied Sapphire, “I fear the pirates may be one step ahead of us…”

“Oh come on, how would those clods be…”

“Sail off the port bow!”

The two officers shot around, running to the back of the quarterdeck. Pearl had beaten them to it, staring through her spyglass in aghast shock.

“Who is it?” asked Peridot.

“I _don’t believe it,_ ” hissed Pearl.

She lowered her spyglass.

“How the _devil_ did she get _behind us?_ ”

* * *

Captain Lapis Lazuli grinned as she stared through her spyglass at the Royal Navy ship.

Her ship wasn’t quite as big as the _Rose_ \- the _Malachite_ had only twenty guns, and was a ragged, dirty old ship with faded royal blue paint - but she was fast, and more importantly she had a wily captain. Lapis had escaped ambushes and captured treasure ships - she wasn’t about to be caught out by such an obvious trap.

“Look at ‘em,” her trusted first mate Amethyst chuckled, looking through her own spyglass, “They have no idea how we did that.”

“Do you think they even know there’s a river running through this island?” asked Lapis.

“Technically, it’s a channel,” one of the cooks, Lars, muttered as he lounged on the side of the deck.

“Technically, I’m the captain, so I’ll call it what I want.”

Lapis spun round, her light blue coat billowing in the wind.

“Alright, you scurvy dogs!” she shouted, “Let’s give them something to think about before we leave!”

The crew on deck cheered.

“Alright, ye dogs!” shouted the gunner, Ruby, running along the starboard deck, “Run out the guns!”

“Run out the guns!” someone bellowed.

“Bring her about!” Ruby thundered.

“Bring her about!”

Ruby smirked.

“I’m an idiot!”

“I’m an id- _hey!_ ”

Back up on the quarterdeck, Lapis looked back through her spyglass at the _Rose._ She smirked as she watched the captain run around, waving her arms and barking orders. Behind her, her quartermaster, Bismuth, strode up, hands on her hips.

“Might be a Navy tub, but I’ll be damned if she isn’t beautiful,” she admitted.

“Yeah,” replied Lapis, “And the ship ain’t bad either.”

* * *

“Hard a port! Bring her about!”

Pearl ran up to the wheel, nudging the helmsman aside and tugging at the wheel. On the deck, her crew ran to and fro, heaving at ropes to move the sails in a desperate attempt to get wind. They had to bring the ship around if they were to have any hope of catching the _Malachite._

Growling in frustration, Pearl glanced over to Sapphire.

“How does she keep doing this?” she demanded.

“I suppose to be a legendary pirate,” replied Sapphire, “She has to do legendary things?”

“Like _teleport?_ ” spluttered Pearl.

“Maybe they carried the ship overland?”

Pearl glanced to the other side. A young midshipman, Steven Universe, had wandered up and was now standing at her side.

“That may well be, Mr. Universe,” muttered Pearl, “There doesn’t seem to be another explanation.”

“Maybe they flew?” suggested Peridot.

“Don’t you have a station to be at, Ms. Peridot?” grunted Pearl.

“Yes Captain, sorry Captain.”

Peridot scuttled away, down the steps and onto the main gun deck. She passed the ship’s Captain of Marines, Connie Maheswaran, who rather stood out in her red coat. She was shouting orders to her marines and to whoever she could find who looked like they had nothing to do.

“You? What’s your job?” she barked.

“Uh… I play the flute,” the sailor replied.

“Can you do anything else?”

“...no.”

“Then play an inspirational tune!” shouted Connie.

The sailor shrugged and began to play.

Connie nodded and ran up to the deck, stopping in front of Pearl and saluting.

“All marines accounted for, ma’am!” she said.

“Thank you, Ms. Maheswaran,” nodded Pearl.

“Hi Connie!” said Steven brightly.

“Well, the crew is ready, the ship is turning about,” declared Pearl, “We might not have gotten to a good start, but we’ve got them n-”

She was cut off by a deafening smashing sound.

* * *

“We hit the mainmast!” Ruby called, standing next to a smoking cannon.

Lapis grinned as she watched the _Rose_ ’s towering mast collapse, crashing down onto the deck below with a cloud of smoke and splinters. She laughed, extending her arms and feeling the wind behind her.

“Hey Bismuth!” she exclaimed, “Can they catch us?”

“Not in that condition they can’t,” replied Bismuth, crossing their arms.

“Aw man,” chuckled Amethyst, “Captain Pearl’s gonna be _pissed!_ ”

Lapis laughed again, climbing onto the railing. She reached her arms out towards the _Rose_ , extending two of her fingers.

* * *

“Captain! The pirate is making an obscene gesture!”

“Yes,” Pearl replied through gritted teeth, “ _I can see it_.”

Pearl lowered her spyglass, looking over the wrecked mainmast. The crew, it seemed, had managed to jump clear before the enormous wooden pole had crashed to the surface, but the mast, sails and much of the deck were in a total shambles. Pearl seethed as she looked over the wreckage.

“I don’t understand!” exclaimed Peridot, “When did they fire a volley? I…”

“They didn’t,” replied Pearl, her tone dangerously even, “They fired _one shot_. We’re dead in the water _after one shot._ ”

She threw her spyglass to the deck in a fit of anger, and winced as she heard the glass shatter.

“Governor Dewey is not going to be happy,” muttered Sapphire.

“Oh, _you think?_ ” snapped Pearl.

Her expression darkened further as she stormed over to the steps down to the main deck, sitting herself down on the wooden surface and forcing herself to control her breathing. Carefully, Steven followed her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Captain Pearl?” he asked, “Are you okay?”

“I’ll get her,” Pearl seethed, “One day, I swear I’ll get her. And when that day comes… _when that day comes_ …”

She took off her hat and ran her hands through her hair.

“...it will be _decidedly violent._ ”

* * *

The _Malachite_ sailed on, the crew cheering as the stricken naval vessel disappeared into the distance behind them. Lapis grinned as she strolled up the deck, basking in the adoration of her crew.

“Three cheers of the captain!” shouted Ruby.

The crew cheered thrice, and Lapis mock-bowed as she took her place behind the wheel.

“Well, that was fun,” she said, “Set a course for Tortuga!”

“Hang on,” said Amethyst, “I thought we were going to _Nassau_.”

“What, to those _Republic_ losers?” scoffed Lapis, “You think I wanna hang around listening to _Benjamin Hornigold_ all night?”

She raised her fingers to create air-quotes as she gave her mocking impression of the other pirate.

“ _Ooh, I’m honourable! I don’t attack British ships and I wash daily!_ Ugh, what a jerk.”

“Hey, I got some debts I need to pick up on Nassau,” snapped Amethyst, “So we gotta go _there._ ”

“Only thing we’ve gotta do,” retorted Lapis, “Is get to a tavern in Tortuga to spend our loot.”

“I don’t think you heard me,” growled Amethyst, taking out her pistol and pointing it at her captain, “We’re going to _Nassau._ ”

“You’ve got guts, Amethyst,” replied Lapis, raising her own pistol, “But you don’t have the _gumption_ to shoot your captain.”

“Bet your life on it?” demanded Amethyst.

“Bet _yours?_ ”

There was a long silence.

Then, with a brief fit of laughter, both lowered their pistols.

“Ha! _Nassau!_ ” snorted Amethyst, “Had you going there, didn’t I?”

“Yeah,” chuckled Lapis, “Those guys are such a bunch of…”

She sighed, leaning lazily against the wheel.

“It’s a good life, isn’t it Amethyst?” she said cheerfully.

“Sure is, Captain,” Amethyst nodded, “May it never end.”

* * *

The big, black ship tore through the cloudy English, bound west for the Caribbean. On the quarterdeck, her captain - big, muscular and clad in a black cloak and hat - looked down at the scrap of parchment that had been handed to her at Plymouth. These were her marching orders, and she would follow them to the _letter._

_Agent Jasper,_

_You are to take the_ Hand of Justice _to the Spanish Main forthwith. Once there, you are to bring order to the Royal Navy station at Port Royal, and to hunt the vicious and dastardly pirate Lapis Lazuli and see that she is put to the sword._

_Good luck,_

_Y. Diamond._

Jasper frowned and gazed forward into the fog.

Things were going to change in the Caribbean - and her _old friend_ would soon feel her wrath.


	2. Chapter the Second; In Which Pearl Is Given An Urgent Task, Lieutenant Kevin Is A Bore, And the Buccaneers Spend Their Ill-Begotten Loot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think that chapter title is long enough?
> 
> With thanks to [realfakedoors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors) for providing stalwart proofreading service and [CoreyWW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) for helping to navigate the waters of plot with his ideas. They are both invaluable to keeping this ship on course.
> 
> (Funny? No? Little bit?)

**Chapter the Second  
** In Which Pearl Is Given An Urgent Task, Lieutenant Kevin Is A Bore, And the Buccaneers Spend Their Ill-Begotten Loot

Governor Dewey’s hands clutched his wig, causing it to shift back and forth in a fashion that Pearl might have found amusing, had she not been the cause of his stress. (Actually, she still found it amusing. Just a little, though.) The Governor paced his ornate office, sweating more than usual as he half-muttered his rambling, slightly incoherent soliloquy.

“You let the pirate go, _again_ ,” he complained, “And this _while_ London is breathing down my neck about dealing with pirates, about how half of our officers get caught taking bribes, how we couldn’t find a brigand if he walked into my office, I… our ships are leaky, our crews aren’t trained, I… I… oh my god, they’ll do to me what they did to Admiral Byng, they’ll say I haven’t done my utmost and then onto my flagship’s quarterdeck and then _bang_ and then Buck will have no guidance and he’ll - oh my _god_ he’ll _publish a newspaper_ or something, or worse - _he’ll move to Boston._ Oh no, oh no this is not good, this is bad, I… this is bad…”

“Governor,” Pearl carefully interjected, “I’m sure it’s not actually that bad. I _certainly_ doubt you’ll be shot on your… you don’t even _have_ a flagship!”

“Really?”

Dewey held a letter up to the Captain. She took it slowly, wincing at the visible sweat marks from the Governor's hands as she unfolded it.

“Your excellency… the Company has been granted Royal Assent to commit a review of the naval facilities… you will assist them in all capacities…”

She lowered the letter, shrugging.

“Well, the East India Company aren’t ideal - and their uniforms are so _gauche_ \- but it could be…”

“Read further, captain,” replied Dewey.

Pearl did so, reading the letter to the end.

“The _Diamond Company?_ ” she said at last, “But… what business do they have with naval affairs?”

“They’re muscling into Caribbean trade, I think,” replied Dewey, “And White Diamond is a favourite of King George, so what they’ll want…”

“...they’ll get,” finished Pearl.

Dewey nodded gravely.

“Gather your crew,” he ordered, “Catch Captain Lazuli, or it’ll be both of us being Byng’ed.”

“His name’s a verb now?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

Pearl nodded.

“Don’t worry,” she replied, “My crew is stout, determined and ready to sail at a moment’s notice. We’ll catch the _Malachite_ this time…”

* * *

“Hey good lookin’? You free tonight?”

“Peridot, that’s a broom.”

“Quiet, Ms. Sapphire, you’ll upset my rhyth… my rom… m’ _thing_ , you clod! And oh, here comes the floor.”

Peridot flopped onto the floor of the officer’s club.

“I don’t understand it,” said a lieutenant sitting across from her, “She only had half a glass.”

“Lieutenant Peridot has trouble with her liquor, Lieutenant Jamie,” said Sapphire flatly.

“So it would seem.”

At the other end of the club, the double doors whined in their hinges when Pearl marched in, lips set in a thin line.

“Ms. Peridot, Ms. Sapphire, we need to return to the ship immediate…”

She trailed off, looking down at Peridot.

“Alright, Sapphire, you take the legs,” she sighed at last, running a hand through her hair, “We’ll carry her back and then gather the crew from the taverns. I… where’s Ms. Maheswaran?”

“She went to visit her father at the garrison,” replied Sapphire.

“Well, at least I know where that is,” nodded Pearl, “Okay, I’ll grab her head. Let’s go…”

* * *

Connie walked down the path from the fort to the harbour, drinking in the familiar brine of early evening air near the sea. It had been good to check in with her parents - both Major Doug Maheswaran and Surgeon Priyanka Maheswaran worked at the fort, so it was easy to drop in.

“Um, hi there Connie!”

Steven had wandered up the path. He now stood in front of her, smiling earnestly, his hands tucked behind his back.

“Oh, Steven, hi!” replied Connie, “What brings you up here?”

“Captain Pearl sent me up to get you,” replied Steven, “We’re sailing on the tide.”

“Already?” quizzed Connie, “We’ve only been here for an afternoon.”

She shrugged.

“Well, we’d better go find Jeff and Peedee, then,” she declared, “I let them have shore leave ‘cause I thought we’d be here longer…”

She glanced down towards the harbour. HMS _Rose_ sat in its’ berth, lit by the golden sun. Next to her, dwarfing it by far, was HMS _Invincible_ an enormous seventy-four gun man o’ war, the largest ship in Port Royal. Beyond them were the other ships; sloops, brigs and merchant ships, bobbing gently in the warm sun.

“So, uh, nice view, huh?” said Steven, gently scratching his arm.

“Yeah,” nodded Connie, “It is.”

Steven nodded back, perhaps a little too vigorously.

“So, we’ve known each other for a while, and I…”

“Well, well, well.”

Steven winced, and Connie didn’t blame him in the slightest.

Lieutenant Kevin Richards, an officer aboard the _Invincible_ , swaggered down the path, a thoroughly punchable smirk on his face. His uniform was freshly cleaned, the brass shimmering in the sunlight, and his eyes shone with utter disdain.

“Evening, Midshipman Wirt,” he sniffed.

“ _Steven_ ,” growled Steven, “It’s _Steven._ ”

“Mm-hmm,” said Kevin dismissively, “Still chasing redcoats, are you?”

“I’m not-”

“ _Mm-hmm_ ,” said Kevin again, somehow making a dismissive, mocking grunt echo, “Well I just thought you ought to know, our ship’s been ordered to hunt down Captain Lazuli. I imagine a _competent_ crew in a _proper_ ship can manage it pretty easily.”

“But Pearl’s been hunting Captain Lazuli for months!” protested Connie.

“And failing,” sniffed Kevin, “ _Constantly failing_. I mean, she sets new standards every day of failure…”

“Well,” replied Connie, crossing her arms, “At least she didn’t need her father to _buy_ her a commission. Unlike _some_ people.”

Kevin’s face instantly turned bright red.

“I… well… ugh, why do I bother talking to a bunch of kids?” he snapped, “I need to get back to my ship. Have fun being the laughing stock of the Caribbean.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t know how that feels!” snapped Steven as Kevin strode away, “Because it’s you! You’re the laughing stock! You!”

He paused for a second, shaking with anger.

“ _You stink!_ ”

“Let it go, Steven,” said Connie, putting a hand on his shoulder, “He’s just trying to wind you up.”

“I hope he gets eaten by a shark,” growled Steven.

“Yeah, me too. Come on, let’s go find Peedee and Jeff.”

As they walked off, Steven’s rage faded into crestfallen disappointment. The moment - no thanks to Kevin - seemed to have passed.

Oh well. _Next time._

* * *

Tortuga was a clean, prosperous and peaceful port, said nobody in the history of the world.

It was a black hole, a dirty, filthy blight on the blue waters of the Caribbean. The harbour was filled with rotting, filthy ships, many flying pirate flags, and the streets were coated in refuse and junk. There were dozens of taverns and places of ill-repute, smugglers and bounty hunters and rogues and _puritans_ , and the air smelt of - well, perhaps it was better not to discuss that in polite company.

The crew of the _Malachite_ had retreated to a tavern called _The Hanged Man_ , to spend their loot on the various temptations of the port. Many of them, Lars included, had already passed out on the wooden floor, and Ruby looked like she wasn’t far from joining them. Amethyst had reached the stage where she was singing merrily, which meant she had drunk enough to kill a regular man. Lapis’ vision was beginning to swim a little, but she liked to think she kept a good command of her rum - she’d lose her senses on her own terms, thank you very much.

Sadie Miller, the other cook, was something of the odd one out. She didn’t drink, which would make her stand out from pirates at the best of times - Lapis wondered if she’d be better off in a quiet port, or perhaps as a travelling musician, were it not for the fact that she’d seen her with a cutlass (and had been both impressed and terrified.) She spoke up occasionally, but she seemed deep in thought tonight, staring at her somewhat dirty glass of water.

“So,” said Amethyst, leaning over the table, “Another point to us ‘gainst Captain Pearl! What’s the score again?”

Ruby raised a shaky finger.

“A _billion_ score!” she declared.

The rest of the table laughed.

“Ah, but you gotta understand,” continued Ruby, “We can never sink her…”

“You saying we can’t sink a naval ship, Ruby?” snapped Lapis.

“Nah, nah, we can do that whenever,” replied Ruby, “But… but fightin’ the _Rose_ … it’s _fun!_ We can’t… we gotta keep…”

She hiccuped.

“Oop, here comes the floor.”

She fell from her stool with a dull thud.

“Heh, she doesn’t think we know the truth, does she?” Bismuth chuckled, “I seen her looking at that officer through her spyglass. The one with the hair over her eyes? She’s sweet on her, trust me.”

“We may have to make an honest pirate of her,” quipped Lapis.

“What, Ruby?”

“Nah, the other one.”

“But y’see, that’s right,” added Amethyst, “In the navy, they’re always saying that they’re the _honourable_ ones, that they’re the… the good guys. But us, we tell the truth!”

“That we’re the good guys?” asked Sadie.

“Nah!” relied Amethyst, “That we’re a great big bunch of jerks, and _proud of it!_ ”

“Here here!” Lapis raised her mug, and the others responded in kind, laughing merrily.

Shaking her head, Lapis climbed to her feet.

“But seriously, I’d like to make a toast,” she said, and they raised their mugs once more, “To the _Malachite_ , to our crew, to sticking our thumb in the face of King George, to wives, husbands and sweethearts - may they never meet - and to us; the best collection of dogs and scoundrels ever to sail the Spanish Main!”

“ _To us!_ ”

The crew cheered and drank up, Lapis sipping heartily from the strong rum…

* * *

“...hey… hey, Captain Lazuli, we gotta go…”

Groaning, Lapis sat up, rubbing her head. Her shirt was largely unbuttoned, her coat on the hard wooden floor. Her vision swam and her head pounded. She could see two Amethyst’s - no just one, just one, that was just her vision - standing in front of her, hand on her shoulder.

“Ugh,” she muttered, “What did I _do_ last night?”

“No one.” Amethyst grinned widely.

“You know what I mean,” snorted Lapis, forcing herself to her feet.

“You booked a room, came up here, sang sea shanties for three hours and passed out,” shrugged Amethyst, “Pretty normal. Anyway, something’s come up - you’re gonna wanna hear this.”

Lapis nodded, wandering out of the room and down the stairs behind Amethyst. Her vision was still blurred and she found it hard to stay upright - she felt like death, which meant she’d had an exceptionally good night.

Back in the tavern, she found a bearded man, grinning widely as he held a dogeared map in his hand.

“Oh, Smiley, hi,” muttered Lapis, “What’re you selling me today?”

“How about…”

Smiley handed her the map.

“...a map to the buried treasure of Captain William Kidd?”

Lapis furrowed her brow, looking down at the worn map. Slowly, she nodded.

“Okay,” she said, “Looks like you’ve finally got something worth buying…”


	3. Chapter the Third; In Which Traps Are Sprung, Quips Are Exchanged And Lapis Discovers Something Most Peculiar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update on the horizon!
> 
> With thanks to [realfakedoors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors) for providing stalwart proofreading service and [CoreyWW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) for helping to navigate the waters of plot with his ideas.

**Chapter the Third  
** In Which Traps Are Sprung, Quips Are Exchanged And Lapis Discovers Something Most Peculiar

“ _Oh my name is Captain Kidd, as I sailed, as I sailed, oh my name is Captain Kidd, as I sailed…_ ”

“Belay the shanties, Mr. Universe,” declared Captain Pearl, “We’re coming up on the bay.”

Slowly and quietly, the _Rose_ slunk into Misfortune Bay. The name was apt - the skeletal wreck of a Spanish galleon lay in the shallows, the bones of the crew long picked clean by the buzzards. It was a place of deep foreboding, surrounded by sheer cliffs, steep hills and thick jungle. Most ships avoided this place, but it was rumoured that one had made refuge here long ago - the _Adventure Galley_ , under the command of the privateer William Kidd. It was rumoured that he had buried loot captured in the Indian Ocean here, to be picked up later. He was never able to do so, as he suffered the slight misfortune of being hanged and gibbeted at Tyburn.

Now, on occasion, an adventurer wandered into harbour to find their fortune -- that is to say, they died in the jungle. But as the _Rose_ lowered her anchor, Pearl was concerned about a very different, and much more competent type of rogue than the ever-enigmatic Lady Luck; on the other side of the harbour, the **_Malachite_** rested, her own anchor drawn."

“How much of her crew has she left?” she asked.

“About twenty, captain,” replied Steven, gazing through his spyglass, “I… I don’t know how much that is in scores, though. Four score and seven?”

“No, that’s much too much,” said Pearl, “An excellent attempt though, Mr. Universe.”

She turned around.

“Ms. Peridot! Ms. Sapphire!” she shouted, “With me! Ms. Maheswaran, gather the marines!”

“You think this Smiley’s trustworthy?” asked Peridot.

“He’s made money from this, so yes.”

* * *

Deep in the jungle, Lapis, Amethyst and Ruby walked down a rugged track through an ocean of greenery. The latter two carried shovels - Lapis held a map in her hands, studying it closely. If Smiley was right, and she had very little reason to doubt him, Kidd’s treasure was just ahead.

“Hey,” asked Amethyst, “Found some bananas. Reckon we can eat ‘em?”

“Nah, they’re probably not ripe,” replied Lapis.

Amethyst looked at the bundle in her hand and shrugged.

“Eh, still better than salt beef,” she shrugged, lifting it up and biting into a banana, skin and all.

Lapis stopped walking, folding up the map.

“Alright,” she said, pointing to a tiny clearing in front of them, “This is it - two hundred paces. Start digging.”

“Oh boy!” exclaimed Ruby, perhaps a little _too_ loudly, “I can’t wait to discover Captain Kidd’s treasure!”

“Quiet,” hissed Amethyst, “Or the Navy will…”

“Ah, Captain Lazuli.”

Pearl emerged from the bushes, flanked by Peridot and Sapphire and followed by a few of her crew. They drew swords and pistols, aiming them at the buccaneers.

“It’s a trap!” exclaimed Ruby, redundantly.

“Yes,” replied Pearl smugly, “I’m afraid Mr. Smiley was in our employment. Now, if you wouldn’t mind surrendering? Maybe I can convince them to give you a quicker execution…”

Lapis smirked.

“Sorry, gorgeous, but I’m afraid I can’t…”

“ _Gorgeous?!_ ” spluttered Pearl.

“You saying you’re not?” asked Lapis, smirking.

“No, I’m… I mean, I am… I mean…” Pearl made a strange, strangled growl. “Just get on with it!”

“Okay, sure,” nodded Lapis, “You see, we paid Smiley to tell us about your trap…”

She clicked her fingers, and the rest of her crew emerged from the jungle, cutlasses and guns ready.

“...so we set our own.”

“Oh, did you?” replied Pearl, “Because we thought ahead, and considering there’s no honour among thieves, we paid Smiley to tell us what he told you. And with that information…”

She clicked her fingers. The red-coated marines, Connie in front of them, ducked out from behind the bushes, aiming their muskets at the pirates.

“...we set a trap for your trap.”

“Oh yeah?” sneered Lapis, “Because we considered the possibility that Smiley would do that, so we paid him _again_ so that we could spring a trap on your trap on our trap on your trap on…”

“Wait, who’s trapping who again?” asked Lars, “I’m confused.”

“I think… we’re trapping them,” said Bismuth, trying to count the succession of traps on her fingers, “But they’re trapping us…”

“Oh, damn this to Davy Jones!” exclaimed Lapis, “Let’s just fight!”

The cacophony of more than a dozen pistols and muskets going off at once filled the air.

Now, a musket is not a clever weapon. It is basically a steel tube attached to a metal object that is designed to make a spark, igniting the gunpowder one had clumsily rammed into the tube and propeling the shot, which is literally a round lead ball. Aiming a musket is an exercise in complete futility, which is why musketeers worked in concert - if there was a line of people with muskets, at least one of them, surely, had to hit something. It also makes a big cloud of smoke, which explains the colourful uniform - it was needed to tell friend from foe in the haze of gunpowder and fire.

It is therefore not unreasonable that around thirty people would fire their guns at each other at once, and none of them would hit anything. At least it looked dramatic, Lapis supposed.

Lapis took out her sword as the redcoats charged - there was no point in reloading - And she paid them no heed. Her crew could handle themselves; Captain Pearl was _hers_.

The Captain was already ready - her finely balanced sword a night-and-day comparison with Lapis’ dirty, rusty cutlass. She expertly blocked her attack and gave a swift repost - only a well-timed feint saved the pirate from being decapitated.

“You’re dealing with the blade today, Lazuli,” snapped Pearl, “This is _my_ field.”

 _Oh blast,_ she thought, _I’ve gotten into a_ fair _fight. I gotta start cheating._

Her eyes darted left. Just above Connie and the marines, she could see a branch hanging loosely from a tall tree. If she timed her next move _just right…_

“Your field, huh?” she replied, “Didn’t know you were a farmer?”

“I thought _you_ were a farmer, Captain,” sniffed Pearl, “Because you fight like a cow!”

“Is that really the best you can come up with?” demanded Lapis, “Ugh, you naval people suck at bantering.”

She ducked another swing of Pearl’s sword, feeling for her pistol under her coat.

“Well, you _British_ ones, anyway,” she added, “I can never tell with Spanish and French guys, because they’re speaking, well, Spanish and French - maybe they’ve got some really good ones…”

“Stop your prattling and prepare to die!” thundered Pearl.

“Well, sure, we’ll all die,” nodded Lapis.

She pulled out her pistol.

“...just not _today_.”

She fired up into the air.

There was a long silence as Pearl stared, dumbfounded, at the smoking gun that seemed to be pointing in entirely the wrong direction, and the big, excrement-eating grin on Lapis’ face.

“You… _how did you miss?!_ ” she exclaimed, “You’re two paces in front of me!”

“Who says I was aiming at you?” replied Lapis slyly.

There was a loud crack, and a big, heavy object slammed onto the back of Pearl’s head. She fell to the ground, trapped under the weight of a big, thick branch.

“Ouch!”

Lapis grinned, mockingly tipping her hat as she stepped back away from her adversary.

“Pointer for next time,” she said, “Don’t fight fair.”

“You… you _rogue!_ ” bellowed Pearl, “When I get up…”

“Uh huh,” nodded Lapis, maneuvering around the fallen Naval officer. “Sure. Well, take in the moment, _Captain_ Pearl, because this is the day you almost caught Captain Lap-AAAH!”

She slid backwards down a muddy slope which had been hidden by a bush.

Pearl stared for several moments at the place her adversary had been.

“I wonder if it’s too much to hope she broke her neck…”

* * *

As Lapis tumbled down through whirlpool of green, blue and brown, she vaguely contemplated the circumstances that had led her to this moment. She thought of how she had become a pirate; as the heiress to a trading company in… some European capital, her family brutally abducted by an evil Spanish marquis. How she joined a crew to find them, sailing the Caribbean, seducing Governor’s daughters from port to port, fighting the meticulously ranked ten great pirates, and putting together old treasure maps that always came in quarters, and…

Wait, no. Absolutely none of that was true.

No, the _real_ story was-

Her thoughts were cut off as she crashed through a small hole under a tree, tumbling into a dark shaft and landing face-first in a pile of mud at the bottom. Groaning, she pulled her face from the muck - at which point a rock tumbled onto the back of her head, pushing it right back in again.

Let it never be said that a pirate’s life was not glamorous.

Groaning once more, Lapis climbed to her feet, wincing at the pain from the bruises and cuts she had received from the fall. She was about to let out a mighty oath at the circumstances, but her breath was caught by the sight in front of her.

It was an underground waterfall, about two metres in height, trickling into a tiny pool of crystal-clear water. At the centre of the pool was an old wooden statue, carved into the shape of a mermaid, her arms extended and held together. In her palms was a tiny chest and a scroll, and in the glistening water beneath her, Lapis could see the outline of a sword.

“What, have I found Excalibur or something?”

Lapis cautiously stepped forward into the shallow pool, gingerly taking the scroll and unravelling it. The writing was old and she feared the parchment would come apart in her hands, but she could just about read it.

_My name is Captain William Kidd, and ye have found my treasure._

“Seriously? He wrote ‘ye?’”

_If ye who read this come here to pay tribute, I have lived a sinful and wretched life. The blood of William Moore and others stain my calloused hands, and I feel the need to share the sum of all my terrible deeds. I…_

“...and it goes on, blah, blah, blah, killed some guys, where’s the treasure, Will?”

_...into New York Harbour. But this confession is not what you’re after. Ye seek my gold._

“Sure do. Get on with it.”

_I fear I must disappoint ye. I offer no gold, no coin, no jewels. I can offer ye nothing but a pair o’ cursed objects that no man should ever possess. They may seem valuable, precious, priceless, even - but they brought me nothing but misery. Heed my warning - let it be. Swear off the buccaneer's life, take an honest trade, marry, die old. My future holds only the gallows and the gibbet - and alas, it is a kinder fate than what may befall ye if you open this chest._

_Captain William Kidd, Privateer, 1699._

Lapis stared down at the faded parchment, going over the warning again and again in her head. What had befallen this miserable creature; what had spooked him so much that he felt the need to hide it away forever? Was it worth heeding his instructions, lifting anchor and sailing far, far away from this wretched cave?

Lapis made her decision.

“Cool story, bro.”

She let the parchment drop into the pool and picked up the chest.

The lock was surprisingly easy to jimmy open - Kidd had a knack for ominous writing, but a locksmith he was not. A few subtle and strategic batterings with a nearby rock forced open the lid, and gently it popped open.

It was decidedly underwhelming.

A small, silver ring sat in the box, shimmering in the dim light of the cave. On the top was a neatly carved aqua-blue jewel - maybe it was a sapphire? - and along the metallic surface she could see writing in an ancient language she could not understand. It all seemed fairly tame, if she was honest.

“Well, this’ll fetch something in Tortuga, at any rate.”

She shrugged and stuffed it into her pocket, turning around to make her exit.

“Going somewhere, _pirate?_ ”

She found herself face-to-face with Pearl, her sword drawn, a scowl on her face. She stepped forward, polished navy boots splashing into the shallow waters of the pool.

“...as a matter of fact, I was _just_ gonna head home,” replied Lapis, forcing a grin onto her face, “I have a meeting with Blackbeard and I _really_ can’t keep rescheduling on him…”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to leave him waiting,” sneered Pearl, “Right now you have dinner reservations… with _Hades._ ”

There was a long silence.

“You’re real proud of that one, aren’t you?” sighed Lapis.


End file.
